Everybody’s Golf: Playstation 2

Oh boy, arcade games oughta be fun. Okay, we all know a lot of games are scripted but this one really takes the cookie.

First off, take a look at the booklet, Tells you everything except explaining how the gameplay actually works, notably the revolving yellow diamond. There she is, on the green, showing you where your ball will land.

The video below demonstrates just how poorly this has been written apropos where your shot will more ofteen than not, end up. Scientifically impossible in a lot of instances.

I’d been playing this for months, having played EG2 on the PS4 which also contains some very questionable flaws, however, nowhere near on a par with this.

Then there’s the wind factor.  Ever been to the beach when the wind is 5mph? It wouldn’t even disturb your towel. Yet here, 7mph is like some kind of a hurricane.

But the one thing I noticed above all else is how, once you;re doing great, let’s say you’re five under after the front nine, suddenly your ball will be finding bunkers or water hazards or practically anything will happen that will rob your of all your hard work.

Just an occasional blip? Sadly not, this happens over and over, so clearly scripted against you it’s beyond belief.

Then there’s your CPU players. Now I’ve made just two eagles in this time, which actually is a plus point in the game, We all like a challenge and the harder the game is, the more realistic it is and makes for a far better challenge.

So when these CPU’s are pulling off five or six eagles in a round, in all conditions, how realistic or fair is that? Sometimes it’s asking you to shoot a 61 just to be in with a chance in a tourno,

Notice also how as soon as you do well, other CPU’s will suddenly be producing unbelievable results. One that springs to mind is on Aloha Beach, a par 4 where I’ve only birdied it once, Justin (who thinks he’s Rose or Westwood) reckons he can eagle it!

The one aspect this ‘game’ is decent for is chip-ins. Get your ball on the fringe, give it a bit over the red flag on your power bar and eight times out of ten, in she goes.

Apparently people gush about this ‘game’ and have “never encountered the issues you have” but seemingly then I must have a faulty disc. But no wait – the last one was just the same.

Maybe the most scripted video game I have ever played and if people like to sit there and accept the poorly coded shennanigans then they must be very easily pleased. Or they are just happy to be fucked over.

In essence, this is a poor show and is only fit for one thing.

 

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As if any more evidence were needed, I decided to road test this boring piece of bollocks by choosing one of the easiest courses, Fujizakura CC, where I had previously scored a 61.

I got a pen and notepad handy to record just what these CPU fantasists were about.

I played a couple of rounds, noting the usual suspects, namely Jeffrey and Maile, resetting the console at the 17th hole where, predictably Maile was already thirteen under. 😂

In the third round I birdied the first five holes and finished twelve under which I let go onto the memory card as I had at least gone a hole better than my previous.

Here’s what the ‘game’ decides had happened despite playing in tornadoes and rain.

MAILE – 59 including seven birdies and three imaginary eagles

JEFFREY – Four eagles and six birdies, fuck me, he’s some kind of robot!

MIKEY – A more than improbable three eagles and six birdies

HERSHA – Four eagles, six birdies

HASHIMOTO – TEN birdies, oh fucking BRAVO!

So there you have it, a ‘game’ that is scripted to death and about enjoyable as cancer.

A golf game that asks you to score a 59 or better just to scrape through a tournament when achieving an Eagle is about as rare as a decent British prime minister is not only an insult to an average person’s intelligence but just taking the piss.

Some ten days later I tried Mount Sakura CC and noted down all the usual suspects.

I quit after the front nine when it imagined that the ball went out of bounds causing a double bogey and one of the classics where the ball would have landed on the green according to their math but amazingly landed half a mile from it.

In that front nine, there were twelve fantasy eagles recorded by these characters! Do you ever see proof of it, any evidence?

Fuck off ClapHanz, your ‘game’ wins the prize fir the worst PlayStation game ever Hanz down.